Much 'Adildo' About Nothing?

A sure sign that it is the summer silly season is when stories start to get noticed that perhaps aren’t massively newsworthy, but are quite funny. One such example is the news and video footage emerging of soldiers trying to remove a dildo superglued to the Regimental HQ building of the Kings Royal Hussars, after the contractors had said it would take up to 40 days to remove (link to the Sun article HERE). Rumour has it that it was a raid conducted by the Royal Tank Regiment, their long term  friendly rivals.

This is a great story for several reasons. Firstly it demonstrates that morale is alive and well in the armed forces. This sort of ‘jolly jape’ may seem a bit childish, but plays a vital role in informal bonding of teams, keeping people smiling and using their initiative. Yes, doubtless some people will mutter about the health and safety implications of going up a tower with a sex toy and superglue, probably without a ladder, but frankly the job of the armed forces is to train very hard to kill someone before they kill you – the risk of climbing a building without an armoured divisions worth of plant machinery and hard hats at the ready is probably low.

Image by Ministry of Defence; © Crown copyright

These japes have a long history in the military – Admiral Woodward wrote of one in his career involving, frankly, some fairly irresponsible and possibly borderline criminal damage at Sandhurst. The RAF has a long rivalry involving who sank the Tirpitz between 9 and 617 Squadron and owning a part of the ship – that particular rivalry has reportedly seen some possibly slightly over the top use of construction machinery to steal it off another squadron (Information Here

This incident illustrates that for all the talk of ‘we’re not recruiting people as good as the previous generation’, it seems to be the case that British soldiers have a timeless sense of humour, and still fight well in action and still empower strong leaders as able to motivate people to climb a building armed only with a large dildo as they are to persuade them to charge into danger.  The simple fact is that a low risk high morale evolution like this may sound childish, but will do wonders for the cohesiveness of a unit. One must hope that were the culprits to be found, they are treated with some leniency.

There is an issue though in that it does demonstrate the risk of how easy it is to get a localised story go viral. 20 years ago this would have been the stuff of unit legend, nothing more. Today a piece of camera phone film footage can go viral in seconds, and be uncontrollable. There is an issue in thinking about how to ensure that when things happen, appropriate control is exercised to ensure that people aren’t discretely filming and hosting it online.

There is a need for some responsibility in all of this, as what on this occasion was an innocent and very funny issue, could quickly spiral out of control were phones out filming a more delicate or sensitive matter. There is a need to train people in knowing when it is, or is not, right to have their phone in hand, and to encourage NCOs to have the confidence to grip it and sort it quickly. At the risk of sounding harsh, film footage of this incident probably shouldn’t have made it to the internet in the first place.

The final point is that while some people were surprised that the contractor said it will take them up to 40 days to remove, this actually indicates a reasonably well written contract. Had DIO put in place a contract that required resources to be available to remove sex toys from roofs at very short notice, this probably would have increased the cost significantly. This wasn’t an emergency, no safety issues were at stake and pride of the Regiment aside, no one was hurt.

Attaching a higher priority to put in place the right people to safely remove and fix the issue would have meant taking people off other jobs, potentially impacting on someones accommodation or their quality of life. There are only so many maintenance staff available, and if it is a choice between fixing a problem, or removing an eyesore, it sounds like the contractor did the right thing and prioritised it properly.

There is an entirely separate debate to be had about building and facilities management contracts, and what they prevent the military from doing or not doing. But, to those who say ‘why didn’t the soldiers just go up on a ladder’ the response would be ‘if they didn’t have proper PPE and fell, they’d be seriously injured / killed and the MOD would be liable for significant damages. Greater love hath no man than he who lays down his life for a dildo…

More seriously, there is a balance to be struck – it is one thing to lead informal ‘raids’ to do silly things, but if something bad had happened, then the consequences could have been incredibly serious. If the unit isn’t equipped to remove something, then they shouldn’t do it – only this week a former Army officer was jailed for 18 months for negligence that saw someone killed on a live firing range. Arguably if someone was killed on a ‘just hurry up and get that sex toy off my roof’ mission, then there would be equally severe consequences.

Overall then, yes there are some wider issues to be considered, this is a good news story for the Army. It shows Army humour and the lads at their best, showing the spirit of adventure and a casual disregard for authority when judged appropriate is still there, but it also shows that the building maintenance side of the house doesn’t seem to be badly led or prioritised either. If the end result is a few more potential recruits look at this incident and think ‘this is belonging’ then hopefully it will help recruit, retain and keep more people in the Army.

SH pinstripedline@gmail.com